I’ve Got a Secret

RUSS WALTER’S BUSINESS MODEL probably would send an economics consultant screaming out of the room. Walter has been writing and selling The Secret Guide to Computers for 50 years, revising it frequently to keep up with changing technology. But he doesn’t sell it through the usual outlets – he sells it himself. And he gives exponential discounts when you buy multiple copies, and lets go of earlier editions for a song. And he offers free tech support. Like the big companies, it’s available any time of the day or night; unlike them, he takes the calls himself.

The book itself is packed with text, laid out on a two-column page with little of the usual relief for the eye. But you’ll want it by your computer or your bedside or somewhere very convenient. Let me tell you how invaluable this book is.

I got pushed into the world of personal computers in 1985. The magazine I was writing for no longer wished to transcript typescript, so the publisher worked up a deal to get his staff and writers a discount on the purchase of an Epson machine running the latest iteration of the Intel 8088 chip and offering two 5 1/4-inch floppy disk drives. If this means nothing to you, you’re in good company. It meant nothing to me at the time, and, because the damn thing just sat there blinking its stupid green “A:” prompt, I decided to get rid of it.

“Other people have learned to use these things,” my wife observed. “Why can’t you?” With my intelligence thus impugned, I sought help. From books, my usual educational conduit, and computer-oriented magazines that lately had been appearing on the newsstands. In one such magazine, I read a review of The Secret Guide to Computers, a review noting that Walter sold the book himself, alongside offering free tech support by phone any time of the day or night. I called and ordered the book.

That was the 11th edition, so he’d already been at it for a while by then, beginning in 1972, when he gave away slim volumes covering such topics as Basic and Fortran. But as personal computers hit the scene, his subsequent editions grew fatter and offered more and more tutorials on the hardware and software. That 11th edition was my savior. He spelled out not only the basics of the operating system, he also gave instructions about the software I was struggling to use. And he did so in language that was friendly and engaging, a rarity in computer books back then.

I’m a pretty versatile computer user these days, so why would I need the new, sprawling 34th edition of Walter’s book? For the same reason you need it. This sprawling tome not only contains new insights into computer use and safety, and the latest iterations of Windows and the more popular software programs, and your cell phone and tablet – it also boasts over 200 pages on what Walter terms “tricky living.”

It first appeared in the 31st edition, published in 2011, and, although good from the start, it has evolved ever since into an even more insightful guide. I’m guessing it’s the result of Walter’s years of giving phone support, probably fielding questions far beyond the computer realm. “To live long, study Dracula’s favorite topic: blood. Forty percent of all American deaths are caused by blood problems: heart disease, heart attacks, and strokes. Yes, the chance is 2 out of 5 you’ll be killed by a blood problem, if you’re a typical American. You’re more likely to be killed by a blood problem than by any other deadly category (such as cancer, disease, accidents, murders, or war). If you’re a woman, your chance of dying from a blood problem is eight times greater than dying from breast cancer.”

Thus we are told in the opening section of “Tricky Living”: “Health.” It covers a surprising range of topics in eighteen pages, including cooking: “If you make a mistake in the kitchen, pretend you made it on purpose. If you burn the food, so it’s started to turn black, brag that it’s ‘char grilled.’ If it’s very black, call it ‘blackened,’ as the Cajuns do. If the vegetables at the bottom of a pot are just starting to burn, so they’re turning brown and sticking to the bottom, call them ‘caramelized,’ as fancy restaurants do.”

Followed by “Daily Survival,” which wittily covers topics ranging from snow removal to personal finance; “Intellectuals,” possibly a little revenge on boring college professors; “Language,” which not only gives excellent advice to writers but also examines humor with generous examples; and “Places,” which humorously tours the world. Walter’s wife, Donna, is Chinese-American, and offers her own insights into China’s culture – and the manifestations you find in the U.S.

You may find yourself skipping past “Arts,” “Math,” “Government,” and “Morals” to get right to “Sex,” but don’t neglect those topics altogether. Still, his reflections on sex are laced with plenty of laughs, so it may be a while before you flip back. But when you do, check out the “Math” section on “Emotional Integers,” where you can enumerate your way from 1 to 3,628,800 (skipping much of the territory as you go) and discover the often-surprising significance of many a numeral.

But I think the heart of the book is the “Windows 10 & 11” section. It nominally explains those operating systems, but does so in the context of setting up a new computer as a new computer user. And that’s where I came in, learning what the mysterious machinery on my desk was all about those many years ago. Yet for all I think I know, reading the latest revision revealed much that I wasn’t aware of. And that’s why I continue to collect each new Secret Guide edition. I’m looking for new insights, and I’m always eager to discover what new jokes Walter has come up with – he’s a relentless punster.

You can find out more at the book’s website, secretfun.com, where sample chapters and lots of other information await. I suspect his readership is something of a cult, and I’m proud to be a member.