Guest Blogger Dept.: Let’s welcome back Barry Pain with the third chapter of his wonderfully droll book Eliza. Chapter one is here, two is here. I don’t wish to put you off by overstating the case, but leave it to you to decide how funny they are. You will, of course, be inclined to swoon with pleasure if you wish to remain my friend.
I GENERALLY SEND ELIZA to spend a day with her mother early in December, and try to cheer her up a little. I daresay the old lady is very lonely, and appreciates the kindly thought. The return ticket is four-and-two, and Eliza generally buys a few flowers to take with her. That does not leave much change out of five shillings when the day is over, but I don’t grudge the money. Eliza’s mother generally tries to find out, without precisely asking, what we should like for a Christmas present. Eliza does not actually tell her, or even hint it – she would not care to do anything of that sort. But she manages, in a tactful sort of way, to let her know.
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| "It was true I ran into the horse." Drawing by Wallace Goldsmith |
Eliza said, “I can see in your eye, mother, and you sha’n’t do it. It’s much too expensive. If other people can do without silver salt-cellars, I suppose we can.”
Well, we got them; so that was all right. But last year it was more difficult.
You see, early in last December I went over my accounts, and I could see that I was short. For one thing, Eliza had had the measles. Then I had bought a bicycle, and though I sold it again, it did not, in that broken state, bring in enough to pay the compensation to the cabman. I was much annoyed about that. It was true I ran into the horse, but it was not my fault that it bolted and went into the lamp-post. As I said, rather sharply, to the man when I paid him, if his horse had been steady the thing would never have happened. He did not know what to answer, and made some silly remark about my not being fit to ride a mangle. Both then and at the time of the accident his language was disrespectful and profane.However, I need not go further into that. It is enough to say that we had some unusual expenses, and were distinctly short.
“I don’t blame you, Eliza,” I said. “Anything you have had you are very welcome to.”
“I haven’t had anything, except the measles,” she said; “and I don’t see how you can blame me for that.”
“But,” I said, “I think it’s high time you paid a visit to your mother, and showed her that we have not forgotten her. Take some Swiss roll – about sixpennyworth. Try to make things seem a little brighter to her. If she says anything about Christmas, and you saw your way to getting a cheque from her this year instead of her usual present, you might do that. But show her that we are really fond of her – remember she is your mother, and has few pleasures. A fiver just now would make a good deal of difference to me, and even a couple of sovereigns would be very handy.”
When Eliza came back, I saw by her face that it was all right.
“I didn’t have to say anything,” she said. “Mother told me of her own accord that she knew that you had money troubles, and that she was going to take advantage of the Christmas season to relieve you from them in a way which at another time you might be too proud to accept.”
“That,” I said, warmly, “is very thoughtful of her, and very delicate, and it can only mean one thing. It settles me. This year, Eliza, we will give your mother a present. Quite a trifle, of course – about two shillings. It will be a token, and she will value it.”
When I returned from the city I found that Eliza had purchased a small white vase for one-and-ten. The man in the shop had told her that it was alabaster. I had my doubts about that, but it was quite in my own taste – rather severe and classical. I complimented Eliza on her choice.
Three days before Christmas I got a letter from Eliza’s mother. She said that she had been afraid that I was worrying about my debt to her of £4 13s. 9d. She took advantage of the Christmas season to return my I.O.U.’s, and begged me to consider the debt as paid.
It was not at all what I had expected.
“No,” I said to Eliza at breakfast, “I am not in the least like a bear with a sore head, and I will thank you not to use the expression. As for your mother’s kindness, I am glad you think it kindness. I wouldn’t have it otherwise. If you weren’t a born idiot you wouldn’t think so. My debt to your mother would have been discharged by – discharged in due course. By reminding me that I owed her money, she has practically dunned me for it, and forced me to pay her at a most inconvenient time. She comes badgering me for her dirty money at Christmas, and you call it ‘kindness!’ Kindness! Hah! Oh, hah, hah!”
“Don’t make those silly noises, and get on with your breakfast!” said Eliza.
Afterward she asked me if I still meant to send her mother that little vase.
“Oh, yes!” I said. “We can afford it; it’s nothing to us.”
Eliza, entirely misunderstanding the word that I next used, got up and said that she would not stop in the room to hear her poor mother sworn at.
“The word I used,” I said, calmly, “was alabaster, and not what you suppose.”
“You pronounced it just like the other thing.”
“I pronounced it in an exclamatory manner,” I replied, “from contempt! You seem to me very ready to think evil. This is not the first time!”
Eliza apologized. As a matter of fact, I really did say alabaster. But I said it emphatically, and I own that it relieved my feelings.
We keep the silver salt-cellars in the drawer of Eliza’s wardrobe as a general rule. I should prefer to use them every day, or at any rate every Sunday. But Eliza says that they make work.
“Mother has written to me,” she said on the following day, “to say that she will dine with us on Christmas Day. I had better get the silver salt-cellars down.”
“You’d better put them up,” I said, meaningly. I know that sounds rather bitter, but I confess that I have always had a weakness for the wit that stings.
Well, it did not actually come to that. They allowed me to draw a couple of pounds in advance at the office. I suppose they know that when they have got a good man it is worth while to stretch a point to keep him. Not that I was at all dictatorial – apparently I asked it as a favour. But I fancy our manager saw that I was not a man to be played with.
Eliza’s mother dined with us, and brought a couple of ducks. Conscience, I should say.
At the moment of writing my financial position is absolutely sound, and even if Eliza’s mother forced me to use her present to me to pay my debt to her (£7 19s. 5d.), though I might think it dishonourable on her part, I should not be seriously inconvenienced. However, Eliza is going early in December to suggest sauce-boats (plated). That is to say, she may possibly mention them if any occasion arises.
– Barry Pain, from Eliza, Dana Estes & Company, Boston, 1904.
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