Balm for Mom

From the Food Vault Dept.: I missed Mother’s Day again this year. My own mom is long-gone, but I’m married to a mom. She, however, put in some years in a restaurant kitchen, as did I, and we thus became inured to the insanity that holiday provokes. Thirty years ago I put a hopeful spin on the occasion, which I hope can still be helpful these days.

                                                                                          

AN ENTIRELY JUSTIFIED culture-wide sense of guilt gets us schlepping Mom out to dinner on Sunday, resulting in the busiest day of the restaurant year – busier than Thanksgiving, busier than Easter, busier than the end-of-the-year holidays.

Which means that Mom might easily end up subjected to one of the worst meals of her life. Follow the instructions in this handy guide, however, and you might pull through relatively unscathed. This advice is based on the years I spent waiting on tables and, later, cooking. The scenario may have changed since then – but I doubt it.

The type of restaurant that can turn out 700 dinners on a Saturday night is generally well suited to Mother’s Day traffic, and usually can afford to put out a special menu with bargain prices. But the objective usually is turning over tables, so you won’t see many parties lingering over coffee and holding hands. Then again, it’s been years since I held hands with Mom after dinner.

So the most important things you can do when planning a meal at such a restaurant are to make a reservation, give an accurate count of the people involved and show up on time. Too many customers think that they’ve simply reserved a table for the duration and give themselves a half-hour of leeway here and there. And restaurants try to indulge that – it’s good business, after all, not to yell at the patrons – but they can’t afford to do so on Mother’s Day.

This isn’t to slight the smaller restaurants in their pursuit of holiday business. Usually it means that extra staff is brought in at the expense of optimal efficiency, so don’t expect the same experience you had last Tuesday. And again: make and keep to the letter of your reservation.

And don’t do the let’s-reserve-around ploy. This one was new to me when I hit the area, and seems to be associated more with graduation time, but it’s typically the strategy of a party of six or more who will make reservations at three or four restaurants, waiting until the last minute to choose a destination and failing to cancel at the others.

A Mother’s Day meal is often the result of obligation, bringing together participants who otherwise wouldn’t give each other the time of day. If you’ve got quarrelers in your party, keep the meal moving. Order off the specials menu and avoid making annoying substitutions. And keep an eye on the drinking. You’ll be in and out in no time. Perhaps my experience was simply indicative of Westchester County, but I waited on many a seething party who couldn’t wait to begin fighting in the parking lot – and often didn’t wait.

Sunday is a time for slicing roasts. They’re already cooked, and they can be plated in a hurry. Keep that in mind when ordering, and don’t expect a really rare cut of prime rib. If you’re going for the buffet, you’ve hit the one day of the year when it makes sense: the turnover is high enough that the food has a better chance of staying fresh. 

Some customers seem to come out of the woodwork only once a year, which probably is why Mother’s Day becomes a favorite time for sleeve tugging. That’s when servers are subjected to the quick, sharp pincers of nervous patrons who don’t know the words “excuse me.” In fact, if your server doesn’t wear a name tag or proffer an introduction, take the trouble to learn the person’s name. Any effort you make toward friendliness will guarantee better service.

Speaking of which, are you in the habit of mentally adding 15 to 20 percent to the price of your meal? It helps take the sting out of the reckoning when it’s time to add the tip. Although figuring out a ten percent tip requires the easiest math, don’t even think about it. Fifteen percent is the minimum; 20 is preferred – and it’s what’s expected when you dine off linen (which means that from a server’s standpoint, at least, those glass table tops have another strike against them).

So: say your bill is $58.76. You don’t need to tip on the tax, so you’re actually working from $54.92. Fifteen percent is $8.24; twenty percent comes to $10.98. But why quibble over change? I like to round up the total to the nearest dollar, so I’d leave at least eleven bucks, bringing your  total near $70. If you think of your $9.95 entrée as actually costing about $12, the shock of the final total won’t be so bad.

Obviously, Mother’s Day isn’t the most special holiday when you’re just another patron, so why not make it a little more unique? Order some flowers for the table, or prearrange to have a favorite entrée. Approached with a happy attitude, that Mother’s Day meal doesn’t have to seem like an obligation at all.

– Metroland Magazine, 11 May 1995