The Online Forms Here

WELCOME TO INTERNET ACCESS SECURITY CLEARANCE (IASC). In accordance with the Federal Anti-Terrorism Online Resources and Protection Act of 2011 (U.S.C. Title 50, Chapter 44), we are required by law to collect certain information from citizens who would seek to use the internet. Your participation in this survey is entirely voluntary. Failure to provide reasonable answers will result in a denial of internet access.

1. Will your proposed session
     be for personal or business use?

A. Personal
B. Business           

 A  

Thank you.

2.  Have you ever been convicted of a
     felony offense?

A. Yes
B. No

 B  

Correct.

3. How about a misdemeanor?

A. Yes
B. No

 B   

3a. What about that pot possession charge five years ago?

C. I didn’t think it was significant
D. It was someone else’s stash
E. I forgot about that

 E  

Correct.

4. Are you planning to send or receive files during your online session?

A. Yes
B. No               

 A   

4a. All files conveyed on the internet must be cleared in accordance with the Federal Anti-Terrorism Online File Integrity Act of 2011 (U.S.C. Title 50, Chapter 45). Have the files in question been submitted for clearance?

A. Yes
B. No               

 A        

Gotcha! File clearance occurs at the point of upload/download, and will be determined by a downloadable software clearance module, as soon as the module is cleared for download.

5. Our records indicate an outstanding balance on your Verizon-Spectrum-Exxon Mobil High-Speed Internet Access Point subscription in the amount of

$148. 34

Have you paid this invoice?

A. Yes
B. No               

 A   

5a. No you haven’t. Would you like to make a credit-card payment to settle this invoice?

A. Yes
B. No               

 B   

Thank you. The amount of $148.34 has been debited directly from your bank account ending in 4657.

6. Are you or any family members involved in any organization whose stated purpose is to depose, destroy, or otherwise undermine the U.S. Government?

A. Yes
B. No               

 B   

6a. Do you know where your daughter Stephanie was last night?

A. The mall
B. Upstairs in her room
C. At the movies with Eric
D. At a meeting of Eric’s friend Hassad’s political activism group

 D   

You’re getting the idea.

6b. To ensure continued access to Federally controlled resources, it will be necessary for you to modify Stephanie’s behavior. Please affirm the following: I will modify her behavior through

A. Discouragement
B. Discipline
C. Disownment

 A   

6c. We would like to see a choice of B or higher.

A. Discouragement
B. Discipline
C. Disownment       

 B   

Thank you.

7. Will you be accessing pornographic material during your online session?

A. Yes
B. No               

 B   

Too bad. We know where to find some great stuff.

8. Would you like to donate $50 to the Federal Presidential Campaign Fund? This money is drawn against your Verizon-Spectrum-Exxon Mobil High-Speed Internet Access Point subscription, and will incur no additional expense.

A. Yes
B. No               

 B   

Thank you. The amount of $50 has been drawn against your Verizon-Spectrum-Exxon Mobil High-Speed Internet Access Point subscription. You are now cleared for 30 minutes of internet access.

ACCESS GRANTED